Spouses of serial cheaters have observed anecdotally that cheating isn’t always just about sex—it’s often combined with a thrill of secrecy and risk, forbidden and illicit encounters and finding pleasure in manipulative deceit. Some of the cheaters seem to really get off on the thrill of duping their significant others.
Paul Ekman, a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, served two years as First Lieutenant and chief psychologist at Fort Dix, New Jersey. Later, he worked as a professor of psychology at the UCSF medical school. In 1967, Dr. Ekman began to study deception. His 1992 book Telling Lies prompted national and regional law enforcement groups to ask for help.
In Telling Lies, Ekman coined the term “duping delight.” Ekman notes, “Lying can also produce positive feelings. The lie may be viewed as an accomplishment, which feels good. The liar may feel excitement, either when anticipating the challenge or during the very moment of lying, when success is not yet certain. Afterward there may be the pleasure that comes with relief, pride in the achievement, or feelings of smug contempt toward the target. Duping delight refers to all or any of these feelings that can, if not concealed, betray the deceit.”
A wife found this text message from her cheating husband to his affair partner:
“Remember me trying to talk every night with (my wife) just inches away? I just knew I was gonna be caught. If she had seen some of those early ones!!!! Oooh. Juicy.” (lots of heart emojis)
Ekman observes that “duping delight” can be made even more delicious if the liar has an audience of some sort—someone who he or she can brag to about his accomplishments.
Ekman writes, “The presence of others who know what is going on can also increase the likelihood of duping delight. The audience need not be present, as long as it is attentive and appreciative.”
From a spouse: “I don’t know how many people actually knew about my husband’s final exit affair. I know of at least one—yet another woman—who he was clearly trying to impress with his skillful deceit and probably trying to also signal his imagined sexual prowess and his availability. He would message her on his special burner phone and keep her up to date on his love affair. He would also send her suggestive messages like ‘wouldn’t it be funny if we ended up together after all these years?’”
Perhaps most troubling of all, deceiving the person who you have spent years telling he or she can trust you, rely on you, feel safe and secure with you—may be the most thrilling accomplishment of all. “Duping a totally trusting victim may be especially delicious, indulging enjoyable feelings of contempt,” observes Ekman.
A spouse: “My husband staged a ‘fake break-up’ with his ‘girlfriend’ (not exactly a girl–she was almost eligible for Medicare) in a text he knew I would see. He said he was ending his affair and going to concentrate on mending his ways and working on his marriage. The “girl”friend was in on the deception (the thrill of humiliating another woman got her off too) and afterwards the girlfriend immediately messaged him on Facebook, saying she was going to cost him a lot more money to maintain than I was. These two cheaters found pleasure in deceiving me, in degrading me, humiliating me. And my husband of more than 30 years, the father of my children, did not care that she derided me or hurt me. He did not try to shield me from her cruelty as well as his own. It’s hard to understand the privilege they feel and the sexual excitement they feel in manipulating and exploiting another human. In my darker moments, I imagine them laughing about how clever that little ploy must have made them feel, how superior, how in control, all at my expense. I will never understand how they live with themselves. I guess I don’t really want to understand—I don’t even want to try and place myself in that mindset. And, to be honest, it wasn’t just me they enjoyed duping. They also celebrated getting one over on her husband and her ex-boyfriend (a previous affair partner she claimed she was in the process of dumping.) She would screenshot her other boyfriend’s sad text messages and send them to my husband and they would share snide, superior comments about what a sad, sloppy drunk he was.”
In 2013, a study was released which backed up Ekman’s theory of the “duping delight.
Titled “The Cheater’s High: The Unexpected Affective Benefits of Unethical Behavior,” researchers found that cheaters experience a certain giddiness associated with the thrill of getting away with something, particularly if it was forbidden. When subjects successfully got away with unethical behavior, they felt a sense of cleverness, accomplishment, advantage and control. The cheaters took pride in bypassing rules and experienced what might be called a “sneaky thrill.”
Reference
Nicole Ruedy, Celia Moore, Francesca Gino, Maurice E. Schweitzer. The Cheater’s High: The Unexpected Affective Benefits of Unethical Behavior. SSRN Electronic Journal, 2012; DOI: 10.2139/ssrn.2112614